Happy Birthday, In Heaven, Ma.

How do you celebrate a day that belonged to your mom for your whole entire life, until last year?

I don't feel sad this year, yet. I don't feel as angry as I did last year. Yet. I don't know how I feel. Do I just keep continuing on like today is nothing? Do I honor her some special way and continue that tradition? What if it makes the kids sad? What if they forget her because I don't do something to make them remember that she's still with us, even if her body isn't? 

I decided I'm going to get her ring resized this weekend. I will wear her ring in honor of her. It's a way of keeping her with me.. at all times. I can't tell you how many times I still reach for my phone and get inches away from dialing her number before I realize that heaven doesn't have a phone number. The kids do something awesome, like score a 5 on their FCAT, or master their math level in camp, or speak a full sentence for the first time, and I want to call her.  I want to hear her nag me, and yell at me, and tell me I'm being foolish, or timid, and to go be bold. I know that she would be so excited over what's going on in my world, even if my world seems to be falling apart at times.

Grief counseling is helping a ton. But on days like today, I'm not sure if counseling could even help. I just want to crawl into my mom's arms and have her hold me. I guess we're always our parents kids, huh?

So, ma, I hope you're up in heaven, having one hell of a party with Aunt Normie, Grandmama, Grandpapa, Paul, Colleen, and the rest of our crazy family. I love you, and I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you that as much as I should have. Happy Birthday, ma.