Blue New Year

During the holidays you often hear of people saying they're having a "Blue Christmas", but this year, the whole season seemed to have just a spirit of "blah" over it. Everyone, whether financially secure, single, married, divorced, kids, no kids, except for a few jolly souls out there, seemed to have the same feeling this holiday season.

This year was the first without my mom. I won't lie. It was rough. I drank. A lot. I wish I had more. Not the healthiest, I know this in my heart of hearts, but I didn't get smashed, drive, or drink while the kids were awake, and 99% of the time I was with others.

I wanted to stay in the bed, with the comforter pulled over my head, and live off of cocoa and yogurt, but I knew that wasn't a possibility. The kids were more devastated that they couldn't go to grandma's on Christmas morning like we usually did for breakfast and presents from Santa. It sounded like it was all about the presents, but I think it was their way of dealing with it.

My sister had her party on Christmas Eve, like she always does, then my dad came by on Christmas Day. He graced us with only a few hours, and it was rough. Especially because he's only given us a few hours less than a handful of times over the course of the year. Like an ass, I thought that after my mom passed away, my father would step up. Join our family, and my children's lives again. Visit the school for Grandparents day, and go to recitals, and all of the things a normal grandparent does for their grandkids.

I find myself watching people.. at the mall, at the store, even church, and feeling so jealous of them. Mothers and daughters about my age, laughing while carrying bags full of holiday goodies, talking over recipes in the baking aisle, grandmothers giggling with their grand baby every time she raises her toes in the air so grandma can kiss them. Hell, I didn't even take my kids to see Santa Claus this year because he's old.

I still pick up the phone a gazillion times a week to call her. I take pictures of my amazing baby, who's turning into a toddler, doing amazing toddler things, and hit send before I realize that I'm sending a picture to someone in cyberspace, or to whomever inherited her phone number.

Mom's Facebook account is still "here". One of her friends used to play games out of it.. it was her way to stay close to my mom. My sister recently changed the password to it. I cannot tell you how many times I've messaged that facebook account, because I want to talk to her, or vent to her, or have her tell me every thing will work out in the end.

We're at another crossroad in our lives.

Our lease is up.

We don't wish to renew it, but finding another home in our area, in our price range, is proving very difficult.

My husband had a great job here. My heart and head want us to be able to head back up north, but I know it would be difficult to make it through a transition of that magnitude without my best friends. My friends have become my lifeline. My encouragement. The oomph I need when I'm dragging my feet. Perhaps if I felt more mentally and emotionally stable, that might be an option, but right now I'm certain moving back up north is off of the table. On top of that, we can find housing, but finding a job for my husband hasn't been successful. We have a job down here, just no housing.

Until today. We found a house we love. Now we just need to have the deposit, plus security, plus first month.. about $2000. My husband keeps telling me not to stress, and that God provides, but my faith is so jacked this year.

It's the kids bed time now, so I'm going to have to leave this post at this point. I pray that it all works out. I miss my mom like crazy, and I think I need a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. But I'm out of wine, so I'm going to grab the rum. I just want my blankey. And my mommy.  

   

 

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One of those days.. What would YOU do?

I've been having one of those days today.. You know the kind.

The day where you really start thinking about your life, and what you wanted 10 years ago, and what you've got now, and truly evaluate whether or not a change is needed. In my particular case, a change is imminent, but I need to figure out where that change is going to be. This may sound rambley, and if so I apologize, but I really need to get this out "there".

Last week, we visited NY for a wedding, and it was amazing. We had such a great time, and without romanticizing it completely, we missed it. Don't get me wrong- one of the reasons that we moved when Alex was little was the fact that I didn't want my children growing up as "Long Islanders". Kids have enough pressures on them in the world today, but as a Long Islander, there's a lot more. I noticed it during this trip back, and during many of the other recent trips.

I love being able to roll out of bed, make a cup of coffee, and go and sit on my porch in my snowman pajamas. In New York, I couldn't do that.. because of the whole, "What if the neighbors saw me?"attitude up there. I did (roll out of bed with my jammies and drink my coffee on the porch when I lived up there), but it's a whole different attitude that seems to have gotten worse since we've left.

Now that I'm in Florida, we're struggling with so many different things. Alex and his education, for one. Yes, he's gifted, and Florida recognizes it.. but honestly, what good is recognizing it if his needs still aren't being met?? Brian's job is another. My husband is an electrician for new residential construction. Florida is still building, but the hours just aren't there. We seem to finally get back on a good track, get a couple of inches forward, and then we have a week like this week, where he only worked two days, and his paycheck sends us two feet backward. A family of four in 2010 cannot survive on a weekly paycheck that is worth only two days. I'm starting to panic, because our "back up plan" is starting to fall through, and at the end of this month we need to make a choice.

Are we going to 'start over' down here, where we are, or do we 'start over' somewhere else.

I'm at a loss, because for once in my adult life I honestly have NO IDEA what I want. I want to be closer to our family up north. I want to find a job that will pay us both well.. and again, 4BabyAndMom has been wonderful to us, a blessing that I can't even begin to describe, but I just need something more concrete for our family. I'm not necessarily worried about finding a job for me.. I could apply to do just about anything- secretarial, substituting, retail- it's Brian that concerns me.

I love Pennsylvania, upstate New York, Connecticut, and Vermont, but can I find him a job, us a place to live, and a good school for the kids?? I feel the least resourceful I've felt in my entire life. I don't even know where to begin. I'm exasperated.

No matter what happens, or where our new beginning is going to be, I know that it's going to be difficult, but I just need a direction. Some sort of sign.. a word from God.. something.

What would you do? Pretend that at the end of this month, you are in my shoes, and need to make a drastic change.. what would you do??

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