I've been having one of those days today.. You know the kind.
The day where you really start thinking about your life, and what you wanted 10 years ago, and what you've got now, and truly evaluate whether or not a change is needed. In my particular case, a change is imminent, but I need to figure out where that change is going to be. This may sound rambley, and if so I apologize, but I really need to get this out "there".
Last week, we visited NY for a wedding, and it was amazing. We had such a great time, and without romanticizing it completely, we missed it. Don't get me wrong- one of the reasons that we moved when Alex was little was the fact that I didn't want my children growing up as "Long Islanders". Kids have enough pressures on them in the world today, but as a Long Islander, there's a lot more. I noticed it during this trip back, and during many of the other recent trips.
I love being able to roll out of bed, make a cup of coffee, and go and sit on my porch in my snowman pajamas. In New York, I couldn't do that.. because of the whole, "What if the neighbors saw me?"attitude up there. I did (roll out of bed with my jammies and drink my coffee on the porch when I lived up there), but it's a whole different attitude that seems to have gotten worse since we've left.
Now that I'm in Florida, we're struggling with so many different things. Alex and his education, for one. Yes, he's gifted, and Florida recognizes it.. but honestly, what good is recognizing it if his needs still aren't being met?? Brian's job is another. My husband is an electrician for new residential construction. Florida is still building, but the hours just aren't there. We seem to finally get back on a good track, get a couple of inches forward, and then we have a week like this week, where he only worked two days, and his paycheck sends us two feet backward. A family of four in 2010 cannot survive on a weekly paycheck that is worth only two days. I'm starting to panic, because our "back up plan" is starting to fall through, and at the end of this month we need to make a choice.
Are we going to 'start over' down here, where we are, or do we 'start over' somewhere else.
I'm at a loss, because for once in my adult life I honestly have NO IDEA what I want. I want to be closer to our family up north. I want to find a job that will pay us both well.. and again, 4BabyAndMom has been wonderful to us, a blessing that I can't even begin to describe, but I just need something more concrete for our family. I'm not necessarily worried about finding a job for me.. I could apply to do just about anything- secretarial, substituting, retail- it's Brian that concerns me.
I love Pennsylvania, upstate New York, Connecticut, and Vermont, but can I find him a job, us a place to live, and a good school for the kids?? I feel the least resourceful I've felt in my entire life. I don't even know where to begin. I'm exasperated.
No matter what happens, or where our new beginning is going to be, I know that it's going to be difficult, but I just need a direction. Some sort of sign.. a word from God.. something.
What would you do? Pretend that at the end of this month, you are in my shoes, and need to make a drastic change.. what would you do??
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