Cancer Sucks.

No duh, right?

I'm sorry that I've been really slacking on my blog lately. I've been going through a lot of stuff in our family. It seems that lately it's one thing after the other, after the other.

My mom should be celebrating this month. She should be celebrating that she beat breast cancer. But here she is, preparing for her third chemo treatment..

They found four masses on her liver. It's not liver cancer, per-say.. it's "breast cancer that settled in her liver". I just found that out this week.

The explanation I received was that the type of breast cancer my mom has is a hormonal strand. It has a tendency to pop up again, and again, and again... for the rest of her life, any where it wants to.

We were just starting to get our Mom back again.. she was coming to the kids performances at school, making an effort to be more involved, even though she was exhausted. She was calling to go to lunch, or ask me to go shopping with her- even if it was just to Target for a case of water.  Now, she's calling to tell me about her latest doctors appointment, procedure, or treatment.

Thankfully, she's keeping a really postitive outlook. She says she's going to beat this. That she has five weddings to attend (each of her grandkids).. and Zachary was just born, so she's going to be here awhile. She's in her 60's. Grandparents are supposed to live until they're 80. This sucks. I want to believe that she's going to be ok. I want to believe that she'll see my kids graduate, get married.. that my kids will be fortunate enough to have their kids meet their great grandma.. I'm in a really bad spot right now, and I am sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm two months post partum, and my hormones are still crazy.

My mother-in-law, Gail, Me (pregnant with Alex), and My Mom, Caryn

I've lost one of my kids grandmothers to cancer.. Alex was only 20 months old when Gail passed away. It was devastating. Selfishly, I don't want to lose another mom, another grandma, to this disease. I don't want to have to explain it to my kids; both of them ADORE their grandma.. and wish to see her much often than we do.

My husband says he wants to be there for me, but then he gets all preachy with me. I am a woman of faith, but lately, I'm grasping at a rope which is blowing in a tremendous wind.. and it's hard for me to grab a hold of it. I know that when we set the kids down and talk to them to tell them what's going on, that they will have a lot of questions and why's, and some may even be faith based, but I don't have the ability, the mental strength right now to give them answers because I'm so angry with God!!!

The fact is, I know my mom's a fighter. I know she'll last longer than the 2.5 to 5 year sentence they gave her. But what will her quality of life be like? Will the kids be able to be with her again, the way they have been these last six months? Will it disappear, stay gone another two years, and then come back again? I need to know something more definitive. I hate not knowing.