A Penny For Your Thoughts...

I sit here at the mall, in what's supposed to be "my" time. The time away from the husband and children, so I can catch up on posts, a boat load of emails (that flooded my box over last weekend when I took a few days off), and not have to focus on anything aside from "4BabyAndMom".

So here I am, watching as the pied piper of ex-daycare workers plays hopscotch with my daughter and a handful of little preschoolers in the play-place that are following her every word, missing the days where I used to work in the schools, and kids flocked to me.

I wonder where I lost that magnetic pull, if it was somewhere between the great rice krispies massacre of 2009 and the time my daughter was added to our family, or if it happened before then.. when I just had my smiley-boo, little brute tagging along on my legs.

Is it because I don't have the energy (or the patience) I used to at 20 years old? Is it because I've started to "look" like a mom, or can the kids just smell the fear I have for more than a dozen needy eyes staring back at me? Don't get me wrong, I still love children and after my youngest starts school full time I fully plan on getting back into the education field. But somehow, it's different now.

Maybe it's because I chose to be a "Stay At Home Mom", and the delight of my own childrens eyes is more satisfying to me than any thing else imaginable at this point in my life? I can honestly say that I don't know. I don't know, because that desire of truly making a positive impact on a child's life is a feeling that never goes away. Some people call it 'a calling', some 'a talent', others 'a gift'. No matter what you call it, it still lingers deep inside of my heart, inside of my spirit.

I feel fulfilled at the moment.. with my life, with my family, with the uncertainty, and with the familiarity. On one hand I cannot wait to see what the future holds, but in the other I struggle to hold onto my children at the ages and stage they are now, knowing it will all fly by before I know it.